Book Review: Dracula’s Secret by Linda Mercury (Adult Review)

Dracula’s Secret by Linda Mercury

Publisher: Kensington Publishing (eKensington)

Available in ebook only.  Releases 7/19/2012.

(I finally rewrote this review.  Here is the PG version)

This is a re-write from my original review to keep it more PG.

Dracula’s Secret is one of the worst books I’ve read this year. It reads like an erotica only with less grace than 50 Shades of Grey. I know that this is Urban Fantasy but this book didn’t seem realistic at all. I never really understood how Valerie aka Vlad aka Dracula could hid the fact that she was a female to everyone including her wife. I don’t get why Valerie decided to drop her life-long grudge on her brother just because some random virgin priest (Lance) says that her vengeance conflicts with his moral code. Valerie was someone who worked alongside Nazis and yet killing a brutal killer is side-tracked because her FOTM love-interest can’t stomach her killing someone? Also, the main reason Valerie wants to kill her brother is because he was “responsible” for the death of Valerie’s wife, even though Valerie had killed her wife with her own hands. So…I’m confused on this.

The first part of the book is very confusing as it switches between genders depending on whether Valerie is herself or disguised as Vlad. I think it would of been easier on the reader if it was written in first person POV.

I didn’t get Lance either. I actually found him humorous – as in he was such a sorry excuse for a human being that he’s funny. He’s an unordained priest, who is also a virgin, and in his backstory he really seems “friendly” with one of his male friends. I found that pretty strange in an erotic novel for his personality to be so anti-manly. I found myself skipping through the sex scenes. I’m not one for romance novels anyway and the sex scenes in this book were worse when I couldn’t find one thing I liked about Lance. Oh and it’s horrible how Valerie and Lance meet. You want to know what’s worse than insta-love? Laser sight instant love. Valerie is hidden in darkness on the rooftop yet somehow this man peers deep into her soul and she instantly lusts for him and he for her. Instant love makes me sick.

And, there are several words that are strictly reserved for amateurs and fan-fiction. The word “digits” should only refer to numbers and not fingers. “Orbs” are things referred to in paranormal investigations and not eyes. And might I add that female parts do not swell noticeably when arose unless the woman is pregnant, and its a very odd sight to see. I had to double check the sex of the author, because I could of sworn that this book was written from a male by the way Valerie acts. Also on grammar. There are elegant eyebrows and expressive green eyes, which aren’t awful when used sparingly but these two were used on the same page.

I eventually gave up on this novel and marked it as DNF around 60%. I tried. This book shouldn’t be advertised as an Urban Fantasy. It is an erotic book with paranormal elements. Sex is definitely the main focus of this book. If I knew it was all about the sex, I never would of read it.

(Warning – adult content.  This is my original review.)

This is a pornography at heart with story glued in with the expertise of a preschooler.  I swear Fifty Shades of Grey had better characters and grammar than this story and THAT novel I only managed to get to page 100 or so before I donated my copy to the library.  Since I received this copy for review, I wanted to give as much effort as I could to finishing this book, while being simultaneously relieved that no trees were sacrifice for me to suffer through the entire book.  Ebooks for the win.

Vlad is actually Valerie and that is Dracula’s Secret.  The gender of the MC switches in mid-sentence sometimes and its both confusing and annoying.  I think to avoid this gender confusion, the author should have written this POV from first person.  As confusing as it was to read the story in the book, it is also just as confusing and complicated trying to explain who did what in this review.  So Vlad was married and killed his wife, because she found out that he was a she…but I’m not sure how his wife could not of known.  Vlad said that he used an ivory cock to convince her, but I don’t know how any real woman could not know the difference between flesh and ivory.  Vlad officially becomes Valerie when she frames his death.  One loose end left – she must kill her brother for the death of Vlad’s wife, although Vlad was the one that killed her.

The whole back story is ridiculous.  How Vlad both worked with the Nazis, yet betrayed them to the Allies, and somehow decided that he must spent sixty years doing good to reconcile the evil originally done.  But, upon first meeting the MC, Vlad refers to himself as an evil person still.

And, there are several words that are strictly reserved for amateurs and fan-fiction.  The word “digits” should only refer to numbers and not fingers.  “Orbs” are things referred to in paranormal investigations and not eyes.  And might I add that female parts do not swell noticeably when arose unless the woman is pregnant, and its a very odd sight to see.  I had to double check the sex of the author, because I could of sworn that this book was written from a male by the way Valerie acts.  Also on grammar.  There are elegant eyebrows and expressive green eyes, which aren’t awful when used sparingly but these two were used on the same page.

If I was forced to be a man for six centuries, I’m pretty sure my first thought as a woman wouldn’t be spent wondering “what it would be like to have a penis in [my] mouth.”  And just because she was forced to be a man does not logically mean that she was forced to have only female lovers until now.

You want to know what’s worse than insta-love?  Laser sight instant love.  Valerie is hidden in darkness on the rooftop yet somehow this man peers deep into her soul and she instantly lusts for him and he for her.  Lance is a priest who never was ordained, yet has not been with a woman until Valerie shows up.  I found it hilarious when Valerie showed Lance her muscle car and he practically had an orgasm when he saw it – and then had the opportunity to drive the vehicle.

Lance’s back story is also odd and its hard to connect the ideal masculine man with an adolescent youth where all signs point to him being sexually attracted to his best friend, John.  John and Lance are frolicking through the woods and they see these flowers that look like Lance’s girlfriend’s vagina.  These flowers transform into a sexually ripe woman, who decides to eat these two teenagers (and I don’t mean sexually).  BTW, when she was trying to rip him to shreds, Lance thought he’d die a virgin – even though a couple of pages ago he remarked about the color of his girlfriend’s lady parts, so I’m pretty sure he wasn’t.  Usually when two teenagers are naked together, some sort of sexual activity happens.

Midway through the book, Lance and Valerie officially recognize the fact that they are soul mates and can radar the other one’s presence by a throbbing in the groin area.  More failed analogies:

His blue eyes shone with green tints, like the center of a fire.  Lance beckoned her, his gaze holding hers as surely as if he had a knife to her face, she knew that what was about to happen would change her in ways she could not predict.  Valerie knelt on the bed, consenting to everything.

As I stated earlier, Fifty Shades of Grey had better writing and characters.  I am not exaggerating.  Later in the same scene:

Even after his admonishment, she still wiggled and squirmed under him, trying to get him to speed up.  Poor girl.  Just couldn’t give up control for anything.  One would think she hadn’t had sex in years.

So at 57% some Frenchman enters the story and his grandmother gave him evidence revealing that Valerie/Vlad are the same person.  I’m not quite sure who side he’s on.  Oh, and Valerie no longer wants to kill her brother, because it contradicts with Lance’s beliefs.  So in between the sex sessions they are planning on how to publicly disgrace Radu instead.

At this point there is only one ending that will redeem this story for me.  The Frenchman tells Valerie’s brother Dracula’s Secret.  The brother captures Valerie and Lance and then tortures them.  They proclaim their everlasting love for each other.  Lance tells Valerie that at least they would be together again in Heaven.  Valerie says that she can’t go to Heaven without a soul.  Valerie is forced to watch Lance die.  And then her brother gives her one chance to align with him and she kills him and rules the Vampire world.  Since I’m pretty sure that the book won’t end like that, I’m going to cease my reading before my last bit of hope will be dashed.

DNF – read 60%.

Characters 1/5

Concept 3/5

Pacing 1/5

Grammar 1/5

Ending ??/5

Summary:

In a world where humans and paranormal creatures share an uneasy coexistence, Valerie Tate has a secret. Not only is she one of the last surviving vampires, she is also the Dracula of legend, having lived her life in disguise and eventually reverting to her natural, female form after going into exile during World War II.

On the eve of a historic paranormal summit in Portland, Valerie has come to the city with one sole goal: to kill her brother, vampire Radu Tepes. Radu is about to announce his candidacy for the office of President, but he has secret, sinister motives for his desire to become the first vampire president of the United States.

At the same time former Army chaplain Lance Soliel has opened the doors of his struggling homeless shelter to both humans and paranormals, a controversial move that attracts the scrutiny of the media and the ire of Radu. Targeted for death, Lance is rescued by Valerie. Despite their smoldering attraction Valerie does not want to be distracted from her goal, but when she realizes Lance can lead her to Radu she becomes his bodyguard. But not all is as it seems, for Lance is no ordinary human. He is actually a Fallen Angel with paranormal abilities of his own, abilities that he will have to rediscover in time to save both his life and Valerie’s.

Grade: F

This book deserved to be left forgotten and unread.

If you’re interested in purchasing this book, you can buy it from Amazon or Barnes & Noble on July 19th, 2012.  More reviews are available at Goodreads.

I received a copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

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